Brazen Girl: Brazen Series Book 3 Page 2

  “People crash like she did all the time,” Griffin says. “But we know why it happened this time. She’s not normally reckless. And now she can’t skate for a month, minimum.”

  The guys look gutted as they process what happened to Jordan. None of us saw this coming, and there’s a little comfort knowing I’m not the only one tormented by it. But if there’s one thing that’s come of it, it’s clarity.

  “I’m not doing Shred Live.”

  “Uh, doesn’t filming start in three weeks?” Taylor asks.

  “I can find them a replacement.” Might not be a good one, but there’s going to be someone who will jump at the opportunity.

  “I’ll do it for you,” Taylor offers.

  “I’d do it too,” Griff echoes.

  “Your knee, Griff, you can’t do the competitions.”

  “I can do them, I just can’t do them well.”

  There’s a long silence before Taylor says, “We should have thought of this sooner. You’ve been wanting out of that contract ever since you met Jordan.”

  “Yeah, but it’s still going to be ugly,” I remind them.

  Griff shrugs. “Maybe not. Depends how we spin it.”

  “Spin it? I was planning on telling the truth.”

  “Exactly, the truth is a pretty compelling reason. And with the video of the crash going viral? You’ll get sympathy, man, and Shred Live might let it go, not wanting to risk painting you as the bad guy.”

  Taylor’s nodding now. “Yeah, if they sue you for breach of contract once the story’s gotten out, they’ll look like jackasses. Especially now that you’ve gone to the police. You know that shit’s going to go public at some point too. So people will hear about the stalkers and the online bullying.”

  “Stalkers? I thought there was just one,” Griff asks.

  “One stalker, multiple bullies, whatever you want to call it.”

  “You’d really go on Shred Live?” I ask Taylor. Griff can’t do it, he’s got way more at stake. Knee injury aside, Brazen launches at the same time filming starts.

  “Hell yeah man, this would be an opportunity for me, a good thing. It would suck for me and Ellie, but that’s different than you and Jordan. I’m not as big as you to start, and she’s not making a name for herself in the same sport. People won’t be nearly as interested in our relationship status.”

  I don’t know if Taylor’s thought through everything, but even if he changes his mind tomorrow, there’s going to be someone else who will do it.

  “All right, I need to call some people about what’s going on.” I glance at my phone, debating who to call first.

  “I already talked to Summer and Naomi, so you can hold off on them.”

  “I’ll call Ellie and have her update the girls,” Taylor offers.

  “Thanks. Maybe I’ll hold off on calling Vienna until tomorrow,” I say, more to myself than the guys. The phone call with my agent isn’t going to be a fun one and I don’t have the energy for it right now.

  “You look beat, man, go to sleep. You can deal with the rest in the morning.” Griffin slides off his stool and gives me a rare hug, patting me on the back.

  A few minutes later, I’m sliding under the covers next to Jordan, wrapping my arm around her warm body. I know this isn’t going to be an easy recovery for her, even if she hasn’t accepted that yet. Now that I’ve made my decision and I know I’ll be at her side through it, that gives me some peace of mind. But the ache in my chest is still there, and I know now it’s not from having to be separated from her for three weeks. It must be heartbreak for Jordan, because I’m worried about her, and if I’m being honest, I’m scared for her too.

  Chapter Three

  Jordan

  The first thing I do when I wake up the next morning is shower. I almost never do this, usually showering at night or after I’ve been skateboarding. But I didn’t get one last night, and I know I won’t be skateboarding today.

  There’s a pile of my clothes on top of Beck’s dresser, washed and folded. He’s so damn responsible, and I feel like all I’ve done is mess with his life since I entered it, threatening to turn it upside down just by being me. It’s not a good feeling, and a wave of nausea hits as I walk over to the dresser.

  “Come here.” I turn to look at the man in the bed, his bare chest and shoulders peeking over the covers. I should put on my clothes first, but the desire to curl up with him is too strong. Dropping my towel, I let myself give in to the pull he has on me, snuggling close and relishing the way he holds me.

  Beck doesn’t say anything for a long while, peppering kisses on my forehead, cheeks, and shoulders.

  “How do you feel?”

  My thigh slides over his boxers, the firm length of him making me forget everything else. As I lean forward to kiss him, Beck moves a finger between our lips, stopping me. “Jordan, how are you feeling?”

  “Better, rested. And like you might expect of a girl naked in bed with her super hot boyfriend.”

  Beck lets me kiss him then, and when he makes love to me it’s slow and gentle, which I’m not really sure is what I want or need right now. The tenderness in his movements, in his eyes, in his touch, I can’t handle it, and it almost makes me want to cry even as it sends me over the edge again and again.

  Beck holds me after, and while my body is warm and happy, a sadness I’ve never felt before weighs on me like a blanket.

  “Are you crying?” Beck asks, pulling back to look at me. I hadn’t even noticed, but when I touch my cheeks, they’re wet.

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  He pulls me tight again. “Hey, I made a decision last night. I’m not doing Shred Live, okay? I’m going to be here for you.”

  I sit up so fast my head spins. “No, don’t do that, Beck.”

  Beck sits up next to me, leaning back on his hands. “Why? I should have done it weeks ago.”

  “Because of all the reasons we’ve already talked about. Getting out of that contract will be a legal nightmare for you, plus a PR nightmare. It will negatively impact Brazen, and me too.”

  Beck takes my hands. “It won’t. It will be worse if I go forward with it. We both know that no matter what, it’s too late to keep you in the shadows. At least now I’ll be with you.”

  “No, Beck. Don’t do it.”

  We have a silent stare-down. He’s not going to accept what I want to say. I don’t want to fight about it, and I know he won’t like it. But I need to get it out, before he does something he shouldn’t.

  “Beck, I’m not cut out for this. Any of it.”

  “You are, of course you are, Jordan. It’s been a lot to handle, and it’s happened fast. But we’ve got the police involved with the stalker stuff. You can take a break from social media, as long as you want. You’re forced to take a break from skateboarding, so competitions will be on hold too. In a couple of months, you’ll be ready to get after it again.”

  The weight of grief returns at the idea of never competing again, of only ever having that little taste of it. But with competition comes everything else, and I don’t want to ruin skateboarding more than I may have already. I can’t go on wondering when a panic attack will hit me again.

  “I haven’t had anxiety, not the kind that really got to me, in years, Beck. It was something I thought I’d outgrown. Now it’s coming back, and it’s worse.” I pull my hands out of his and slide off the bed, repeating my earlier words. “I’m not cut out for this like you are. Like Griff, Taylor, or even Naomi or Summer. I’m different. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But it’s not worth it to me.”

  Beck’s right behind me as I reach for clean panties and slide them on. “So you don’t want to compete? You don’t want to rep Brazen?”

  “I thought that maybe I wanted it. I gave it a try. But it’s not what I want. I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to apologize, Jordan. Not to me. But you also don’t have to make a decision today, or even tomorrow or next week. That crash was serious yesterda
y. Give yourself some time to think it through.”

  I already knew exactly how Beck would respond to this when I was lying in bed this morning, and in the shower. I played the conversation out in my head, and Beck’s acting just like I knew he would. Compassionate. Sympathetic. Reasonable. Understanding. But not a pushover either. I know this man so well, and when I turn to face him, it takes all my strength to tell him the rest of my decision.

  “I need a break from all of it, Beck. I don’t think I’m cut out to be part of your world, either.”

  “You, what?” The crease between his brows, the confusion in his words, they cause my heart to twist a little.

  “I can’t be with you, Beck. I love you. But I can’t do it. I’m not that girl.”

  “That girl?”

  I force myself to continue, even though it’s actually causing physical pain in my chest region.

  “You need someone stronger than me. Fine, not stronger, I know you’ll argue with me on that, but someone who thrives in the spotlight. That’s not me. I’m better behind the scenes.” I swallow, knowing that’s not perfectly true. When I skated at a contest, all eyes on me, I loved every second of it. Even the awards and the fans in person weren’t so bad. But that’s not really what I’m talking about. I don’t think.

  “Maybe not a drama type like Kelly, but someone between the two of us. Someone who can brush off online bullying. Someone who won’t have anxiety over all the unknowns and the unexpected attention. You were right. I’m too young. Maybe I need to grow up first.” Okay, I know I’m going overboard, but I can’t stop talking. All the words in my head and on my heart flow out. And I already know exactly what he’ll say.

  “Jordan, the doctor said you might not be yourself. With a history of depression or anxiety, a head injury like yours will magnify all those symptoms. You’re in a funk, and that’s okay. But I can’t let you push me away like this. Not now.”

  I close my eyes, wishing I didn’t have to be the one to bring Beck out of denial. But no one else can do it. “Beck, please don’t dismiss what I’m saying because of the concussion. Things happen for a reason. That fall, it gave me clarity. I know you think it’s doing the opposite to my head, but that crash could have been a hell of a lot worse. I shouldn’t have even gone up there, you were right about that too. I guess I thought I needed to prove something. To myself, or the world, I don’t know. All the crap happening, that’s what’s messing with my head. I need skateboarding. If that’s taken away from me, for any reason, I won’t be okay.”

  The implication hangs between us. I need skateboarding more than I need him.

  Beck’s voice cracks when he says, “The crash gave me clarity too. But it was an entirely different kind of revelation I had. I’d do anything for you. I’d give up my career. Do you know that?”

  “I don’t want you to do that, Beck. You shouldn’t have to do that for someone you love. That’s not how it should work. The right girl will be able to handle your career, the things you are passionate about.” There’s a sharp pain in my chest as I talk about another girl in Beck’s life someday. But I’m also strangely a little detached from this entire conversation. I don’t think I’d be able to go through with it if I wasn’t able to partly shut down my emotions. I didn’t even know I had it in me to do that, but I’ve got no doubt later, tonight, tomorrow, who knows when, the tears will fall.

  “So you’re breaking up with me?” Beck finally asks.

  “It’s for the best. For both of us, Beck.”

  “I don’t get it. Things are so good between us.” Beck shakes his head, unwilling to accept it. “When did you start thinking about this?”

  “I didn’t really consider it until yesterday, I guess. But the last couple weeks, after all the social media stuff really blew up, I knew we couldn’t go on like we had, Beck. With months apart ahead of us anyway, it just doesn’t make sense.”

  “I told you, I want to be with you. A minute ago I was planning to quit Shred Live. I can still do that.”

  I really need him to let me go. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. It’s too much. I need to go back to my simple and steady and predictable world. A guy like Beckett Steele, he can take on anything he wants, anything he puts his mind to. It’s not like that for me, and maybe he can’t understand that.

  “Please, Beck, don’t change your life around for me. I don’t want you to.”

  “But I want to,” he says quietly. “Does that matter?”

  “I’m eighteen, Beck. I’m not ready for someone to change their life for me. You have everything going for you. I’m still figuring it out. Let me figure it out.”

  “You’ve made up your mind. You’re not going to let me change it, are you?” He shakes his head. “I’m trying to talk you out of breaking up with me. God, I never thought I’d be that guy.”

  And now I want to hug him and tell him he’s the best person I know, that I’ll probably never find anyone who makes me feel like he does. But I’m still only halfway present mentally and emotionally, and I can’t start pulling out those kinds of truths, or I’ll deteriorate real quick.

  So I go with something else that’s honest, but it’s so obvious, it’s not as painful for me to say it aloud. “No, you’re not that guy. You’re right to question if I’m acting too rash, because we are so good together. And I’m crazy about you, Beck.” Oh shit, that was too much. I’m starting to get choked up and I reach for the dresser behind me, something solid, to bring me back. “But that’s not all it takes for a relationship to work. We can’t live in a bubble.”

  I’ve got to get out of here. If I stay any longer, I’ll start crying. I’ll say something I shouldn’t. Can’t Beck see he’s in a different league than I am? It’s not that I lack confidence or feel bad about myself; no, if anything, I’ve accepted who I am. The past few months have been a fantasy. I’ve been living in a world I can’t sustain. There’s a knock at the door, followed by Griffin’s voice. “Guys? You’ve got visitors.”

  Beck’s eyes are on the ground, boxers he must have pulled on at some point the only clothing on his body. He doesn’t look ready to answer, so I do. “Okay, who is it?”

  “Ellie, Zora, and Lucy.”

  “I’ll be out in a minute.”

  Beck turns and walks back to his bed, sitting on the edge, his head in his hands. It’s the most devastating thing I’ve ever seen. I want so badly to go over there and comfort him. But I’ve made my decision. It’s the right one. I’m doing the right thing.

  I walk over to the man who doesn’t seem to get that I’m unworthy of him. “I love you, Beck.” He doesn’t answer, doesn’t move when I kiss the top of his head. When I walk out of his room, I don’t feel lighter. No, that weight I’d felt like a blanket earlier is nearly suffocating me now.

  Beck

  She’ll change her mind. That’s what I tell myself all day. I still want to call my agent, cancel the contract with Shred Live. Because if I don’t? What happens if she does change her mind? I won’t be around.

  This has to be coming from the concussion. She’s scared. Those messages scared her, and I get it. But why won’t she let me be there for her?

  I don’t tell anyone, not Griff, not my sister, not my mom. Jordan could change her mind tomorrow, and I don’t want anyone knowing this even happened. We can forget all about it.

  But on Wednesday morning I get a text, and I know she won’t be changing her mind. Not any time soon.

  I told my parents about the crash and a little about the messages I was getting that we showed the cops. They wanted me home right away, and I agree. I’m at the airport now. I’m sorry Beck. I miss you already. But this is for the best.

  My knuckles turn white as I grip the phone, clinging to the words “I miss you” even as I try to force myself to accept what she’s doing. This isn’t even from Jordan’s phone, which is still with the cops. It’s come from Zora’s phone, which means I can’t text her back. Zora’s just dropped her off, and isn’t gett
ing on the airplane with her.

  It’s hard to compare anything about this relationship to the one I had with Kelly, but she’s the only other girlfriend I’ve had in the past few years. Kelly tried to reason her way back into my life, and I started detesting her for it. I can’t do that to Jordan. She made it clear what she wants. I don’t agree, not even a little bit, but I’m not going to turn into Kelly, showing up and trying to make her want me until she caves and decides it’s easier to give in than do what she really wants.

  But part of me wants to chase her to the airport, get on the flight with her. Because we aren’t anything like me and Kelly were. I never thought for a second I was in love with my ex-girlfriend.

  My phone rings from an unlisted number, which I would normally never answer. But I’m desperate, and thinking it could be Jordan.

  “Hello?”

  “Beckett Steele? This is Deputy Morris. We met Monday evening. Is Miss Slattery with you?”

  “Uh no, she’s flying home to Connecticut today.”

  “Oh, she listed you here as the best way to contact her until Friday.”

  “She decided to get an earlier flight. After the crash and everything, I think her parents wanted her home.”

  “Well, she provided her parents’ number too. We’ll give her a try there next.”

  “Is there anything you can tell me about the case?”

  “I ran it by the section that works on cyber crimes this morning and it was as expected. Without a harmful act, the threatening words are insufficient for any prosecutorial action. The most that could be done at this point is a restraining order, which is typical for instances resembling stalking. But in this case, all the threats are through social media platforms. Those platforms are private companies, each with their own reporting mechanisms and abilities for users to block unwanted messages. We’ll suggest to Miss Slattery that she simply block these users from sending her messages or commenting on her posts at this time.”